it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
