my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
