You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
