I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
