How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
