Duck Duck Cougar?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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