he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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