My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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