If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
