Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
