I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just blew my weed a kiss
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
