I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
