Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't deserve a penis
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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