And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
