So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
