I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
