Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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