just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
