I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
