Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
