I'm sorry my penis didn't work
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
