My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
