I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
