I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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