i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
