whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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