life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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