Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
