woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Randomize
