Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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