the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
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If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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