Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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