Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Everclear isn't food dammit
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
