True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
