My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
