I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
