Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
