There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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