tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Holy shit dude........stairs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
