How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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