I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My feet surprised me
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
