Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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