Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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