I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
