I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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