Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
