Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
