So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
