How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
