i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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