Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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