Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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