i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
