she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
me + whiskey = a bad person
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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