I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
pop tarts are not kleenex
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
