so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
