I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
