allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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